L.A. = loss, and need for antibiotics

Morning all,

     So I have been an absent lady this past week. This is due to multiple things. Last weekend we flew to L.A. to go to the Cubs game . . . I learned a few things about the Dodgers and Los Angeles.

1. Always have a buddy with you at the game, it is easier to dispose a single body without a witness.
2. Make sure you get to the game early because Dodger Stadium is located on a hill and therefore takes a ridiculously long time to get there. (three EL trains, one bus) This is not an exaggeration.
3. When your team miserably fails you . . . do not curl into a ball, they will make fun of you for this.
4. If you are sandwiched in between two large people in the tiny airplane seat your assigned to, drink airborne or emergen-C immediately (this could save your life).
5. Befriend any Latina fans in sight, because even though the men look scary those beotches will take you down in un minuto.

     So as you know we watched the Cubs put another year down the drain (I am really rethinking your salary Sorriano) and then we flew back Sunday. This is when the fun started. M who I have been calling an incubus of plague wasn’t feeling well last week. . . well when he gets sick. . . I get sick. So Sunday night sure enough I am on my death bed and I spent next two days eating KFC mashed potato’s (it’s my sick food). Then on Monday my car was dead, and the washing machine broke. My Karma is not doing well right now.

     So Friday is upon us and this weekend I will be painting in the house, and napping as the antibiotics prescribed to em are kicking my arse. I think I’ll pull through, but if you have any doubts just let me know what you want me to leave you in my will, that’s what M did already (ass).

Till Next Time,

HG

The Devil Has Left The Building . . . .

Good Morning,

     So Imagine my surprise yesterday upon entering the gym and meeting up with chad (my trainer) when he springs it on me . . . he is leaving my gym . . . and this would be our last session together. I am sure I stopped breathing for a second (WTF). The devil was leaving me . . . and I was sad, I still am sad.

     I finally decided I was go to get back in shape this year and I have stuck with my personal training sessions everytime (I have been known to be a quitter in my younger days) and now he was quitting on me, again WTF. So during our one hour session from Hell I randomly would get sad and try to milk it, to let my screaming muscles rest for even a few seconds longer. This is sad but true.

     So with Chad leaving to “go to school full time” I needed a new trainer here were my choices . . .

• Tony- The goofy 15 year old looking new guy who was paying more attention to his text messages that my session yesterday (he observed).
• Corey- A really cute blond girl who Chad nicknamed “The Virus” because she made four people throw up last week in there first sessions . . . . . . seriously?
• and Rod who is starting today and I have never met.

     So who to choose . . . Ah I think Tony thanks. I don’t think I want to throw up, and I think anyone with the name Rod who just force me to ridicule him as he beat me down. So Tony will be the new trainer and I will have to evaluate his nickname next week when we meet, but I am pretty sure already I will dislike him . . . profusely. So as I was leaving the gym to schedule my next appointment with Chad he told me the real reason he was leaving . . . .

     Could it be he was having liposuction or pregnant (yes I asked him, he said no). Nope it’s because Mr. chad had been having “relations” with a coworker and did not want himself or her to get in trouble. I told him obviously he should break up with her and continue to be my trainer. . . that’s didn’t work so I offered more money (at this point I know you think I am crazy due to the amount I have complained about the devil you’d think I don’t like him, but he pushes me and he lets me swear at him) but he said no. So Next Tuesday I have a date with Tony and he better be ready because I am going to be one sassy customer…. hopefully It won’t be so bad. . .

So Till Next time,

HG

I Pretend NOT To Workout . . . .

Holla peeps,

     So I am going to meet up with . . . . Chad today. for those of you who don’t know I have a personal trainer named the devil, sorry I mean Chad! Chad is a great guy (Lucifer!!!!!). I have come up with a few techniques to make working our easier. In honor of the biggest loser season premiere I have decided to share them with you. Here ya go!

• I pretend I am not going to work out today. Yep I act in denial the whole day pretending it will not happen.
• I tell people I am not going to workout. Yep because “I am not going” (again a lie)
• I pretend I am taking a new way home, when I am driving to a gym so that again I don’t really believe I am going there.
• I take extra time stretching when I arrive at the gym, because if I don’t “see” Chad he is not real.
• I convince myself that it will be over soon, even before it starts (It is the longest hour of my life).

     My best advice is denial because if I thought about how much pain I will be in later I would go in the corner and cry. So I decided maybe I’ll look into something a little less “High Impact”. This is what I found, what do you think???

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/body-fuzion/60197/

Till Next Time,

HG

Chad’s Reign Of Terror

Good Morning All,

      So I had a very lame night last night including a visit with the Devil . . . Chad. My appointment with Chad my personal trainer was at five last night and after an hour of sweating, swearing, and mix between whimpering and crying I asked Chad if he had anyone who cursed as much as I do during our workout, his reply a laugh and the word “no”.

     So this means two things, I am Chad’s favorite and  . . . I am a out of shape fatty.  Now I am not a crazy obese, I need to be removed from my house with a crane a la “Whats Eating Gilbert Grape“, but I have gained some weight since I quick smoking last year (go me!, the smoking not the weight), and I did put on a little weight in college (Go Huskies!!!), and there is those few “Hot Pocket” (Go pepperoni pizza!!) pounds that have been added to the frame. Ok I am officially Jabba the Hut (just kidding, I am not covered in slime, nor do I spend time chaining women in metal bikinis to me).

   Bottom line I have gained some weight and I just don’t feel as comfortable in my skin as I used to. I am not very vain in the sense I do not want to be a size four or anything, but I want to be healthy, and buff. I have a few people in mind I could use as examples. Here are a few pictures of what I am looking to achieve . . . . and what I am not. . . . .

NO

Bad Ass

NO

Holla!

      So now that you have a picture in mind I will be updating you on my progress, because if I don’t I might go back to my life of Burger King Double Cheese Burgers with extra pickles (Ok so maybe I am still working on giving those up), and hot fudge sundaes. Now Chad (Lucifer) decided yesterday would be a good time to do Lunges across the gym. I have one problem, and it’s not what you might think. Even though Chad is a nice looking guy he knows I am an out of shape ass, and I have a life partner so no interest there, BUT all the other 50 people in the gym are watching my sweaty ass drag across the floor while I swear at Chad (sorry Chad). I don’t like the idea of people knowing I am out of shape and struggling so hard with this one hour of torture. Then again I don’t really know any of them so I guess it’s not that bad (In My Dreams).

     So eventually the hour of Chad’s “reign of terror” as I like to call it ended and I went home. Now the fun part is since we moved all our stuff to the new house last weekend, and we are still in the old house we have no couch, or table. So little ole me at dinner on the floor and then laid down and watched my Monday night television, before I gave up showered and went to bed. On the upside I am completely sore and in pain today,  and it’s freezing here in Illinois, so at least I have the impending fall and winter to look forward to. . . . (just imagine snow and sleet and runny noses, and Chad)  : (

Till Next Time,

HG

I MET THE DEVIL, His name is Chad

Good morning all,

    yesterday was a good day (by good I mean I survived). I worked (joy) and then went to the gym to meet up with Chad (Devil reincarnate). Chad and I had a date for my very first personal training session. I had my cute pink and grey Adidas on, and my workout gear of grey capri’s and a circus liquors shirt on. Let me preface this by saying I have never done a workout with a personal trainer. I used to be very active, and now that I am not so active (ok not active). So when M gave me the gift that keeps on giving ( Hello Ballys Total Fitness, goodbye Taco Bell Quesadillas) I knew a change was about to be made . . . . . .

HELLO CRUEL FRIEND

 

This is where I met the devil, now some of you may snicker, but you have not experienced the true evil that is  . . . . . Chad. See when I got this new membership I was given two FREE (free = awesome) personal training sessions, awesome right? ( Oh, how little pre-workout me knew) I was introduced with Chad who asked me a little about my fitness goals etc. Then began the fun (by fun I mean medieval torture). I started by “stepin” (up and down on whats called a step for you non acquainted) with light weights doing presses. I like to think this is where I started to “feel the burn”. By burn I mean I felt like I was about to die about 3 minutes into thing. Now I know I’m a “first timer” and all, but I didn’t take this as a good sign. What they don’t tell you in your “fun” consultation is that you will hate Chad (who is about 5′10′ and nice looking with an almost sweet demeanor) more than your ex who broke up with you on prom night (didn’t happen to me, I went to a fraternity formal instead more on that later). After careful consideration and some ibuprofen . . . .

Here is a list of things I have to apologize to Chad (666) for:

1. Telling him I hated him (multiple times) sorry Chad I am sure you are a nice person (hah).

2. Telling Chad ” I hope you get sick with something really bad”, sorry Chad.

3. Informing him I will be having a shirt made saying “My personal Trainer’s name is Lucifer” and it will be pink, sorry Chad.

4. Saying the F-word about twenty five times including in front of other people in their training sessions, sorry.

5. Telling Chad “Thanks for making me realize what an out of shape, piece of crap I am” when I wasn’t thankful at all (sarcasm was indeed involved).

6. Yelling at Chad when he kicked my foot to keep me going on my planks (a.k.a the devil’s excersize) ” Oh were KICKING me now? ” his response was “yes” and then laughing that sonded something like this . . . .

Actually I’m not sorry about that, your evil!!!!!

7. Sorry about calling you evil, on number six.

8. Sorry about saying that you sucked, and that I hated you again.

9. I am sorry Chad that I said “I don’t ever want to see you again” that wasn’t very nice of me (that was the pain talking).

10. Sorry Chad,  for saying I was right for calling you “the devil” all day at work before we even met.

So when Chad took me up to the front desk where the perky little receptionist (who actually is Chad’s boss, funny!) if I was interested in purchasing more sessions after the workout I am pretty sure Hilter devised I smartly replied ” yes”. See you Tuesday Chad (worst nighmare) I will bring a bigger water bottle this time, and a good (hah) attitude.

Till next time,

HG

Goodbye sweet friend goodbye

M and I held each other (it sounds funny but true) last night as the Olympic flame was once again extinguished and the games ended (aghh nooooooo). I will say this again as I have said it before this is so sad for me, because I feel so inspired by these Olympics. The families and the stories and the determination to be the best. I think although the athletes and their stories inspire me the most ( a la Michael Phelps Mom’s commercial last night, I was almost in tears, I know I’m that chick right now). But I really feel the true spirit of the Olympic games was captured best by this Visa (I know I’m a sellout) commercial. If I ever get a book deal Morgan Freeman will be narrating it (not a joke).

I also added a commercial that I saw last night that really brought home how special our new Olympic Champion Phelps. ( ok this almost made M cry it is that sweet.

GO WORLD!!!!!!

Till London,

HG

You want a tattoo of what??

Hello all,

So M and I had a fun conversation tonight it went something like this.

M “Do you realize the Olympics are almost over”

Me (that’s fricken depressing) “yea I know”

M “I am going to be sad when they are over, I really am”

Me “Me too seriously” (I wish the Olympics had it’s own channel 24/7)

Me “Do you think we should get matching Olympic circle tattoos?”

M ” Um no we are not at or in the Olympics”

Me “It would have been cool”

I think this is why we only have the Olympics every few years so that we all don’t start training to be the next Nastia Luikin or Michael Phelps. Either way the Olympics rock and if I go to the Olympics I will get a tattoo (temporary you needle fearing self).

Till Next time,

HG

Michael Phelps has the Gold, but lost his pants

Go USA!!!

As you know I heart the Olympics. I would sent the Olympics a note to go out with me and it would check yes. I want to say thank you Michael Phelps (all time bad a$$) for showing us what true greatness is. Not because of the money, but for the love of being the best (EVER). He competes for the best reason possible . . . pride (money is good, but not that good). He inspires me to start swimming again. I used to swim when I was younger and I miss it. I used to compete and I have a ton of ribbons and medals. I once told someone I wanted to go to the Olympics and they laughed at me, thank you Michael for pursuing your dream even when people told you, you’ll never make it. Millions of people and children have been inspired by your performance.

 My one small complaint is that in this picture Michael you look like you’ve lost something . . . . your clothes. I know your sporting some sweet bling and all now, but clothes optional is still a no no in the USA (even if you do have 8 gold medals just from !!THIS!! Olympics and an awesome Bulldog named Herman).  I think you should rock out a different type of suit maybe like this one  . . . .

It’s Unisex!!!!!

Till next time ,

HG

Nastia is my Champion!

I love Nastia Liukin! She kicked some ass at the Olympic games and is walking away with tons O’ medals. I first took notice of her in the Gymnast movie “Stick It” all you ladies out there will love it, go rent it. I posted a clip above I don’t believe there is sound, but it’s Nastia! She kicked ass in the movie and although I don’t think she is loving it she is coming home with only one gold but like hello Beotch, you rock and here at two sweet commercials to prove it! I hope that she keeps competing and showing off the talent that she has, you can tell just by watching just how hard she is on herself so it’s nice to see her smile after that gold medal win. Go World, Go Nastia! P.s. How much of a pain in the ass would it be to grow up with that name, so P.s. If you ever gave her crap about her name, this gold is for you!

The Olympic Games

I love the Olympics!!!! Winter or summer, here in the states or halfway around the world, the gathering of all humans to compete against each other in the name of pride amazes and inspires me.

I have been watching as much as my schedule permits and after pulling some late nights lately to keep up, I have to say a few things.

- Water Polo is insane and I am pretty sure I would get pummeled if I ever played. The game started and within 15 seconds two different players we tossed out for unnecessary roughness, Yikes!

- Gymnastics is awesome, anyone who spends that much time training and preparing for one flip over a stationary item is crazy (but in an awesome I wish I could do that but I am way to tall) (yeah tall that’s why I can’t hurl may ass up on a beam anymore).

- Michael Phelps, born to be a champion, but did you know this Champion eats between 8,000 and 10,000 calories a day (I am trying to see if I can do the same, the kid weighs 195lbs)!!! He also had an English Bulldog named Herman, which is the best thing ever. I have a thing for old man names for dogs like Wallace, or Wilber, or HERMAN!!!! Another thing I was curious about is what he listens to before he swims, well at the Worlds he said he was rocking out to Young Jeezy, (holla).

- Women’s Volleyball Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor are unbeaten for over 105 games!!!! That’s insane. To be walking in every day undefeated for the last few years has to be a huge ego boost. Also Kerri being 6 ft 3 inches probably doesn’t help. Both women say this might be the last Olympic because they want to take time off to have kids!

-The great wall of China is over 4,000 miles long (It can be seen from space) and has been named one of the new seven wonders of the world. Awesome!!!

- Benjamin Boukpeti, a kayak-er from Togo won a Bronze medal the first in like 70 years for his country, I guarantee that medal means just as much as all 11 (keeps climbing) of Mark Phelps. GO TOGO! (Where the hell is TOGO?)

- These games inspire people to live their dreams, that’s the best part of it all. Congratulations Olympians whether a medal is won or not, the pride of being there at all is an accomplishment. Go USA, had to throw that in.

Do you know anything cool about the Olympics???

Till next time

Haley Girl